


Springtime

by frogstack



Category: Naruto
Genre: Coming of Age, Kakashi POV, M/M, Minor Character Death, Rating May Change, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogstack/pseuds/frogstack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He needed his space. He always had. Allowing Gai to be one of the few welcome to breach that space didn’t mean it was his forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first public longfic on ao3; enjoy! <3 dunno when i'll have the next chapter done, but hopefully within two weeks.

They were married in the spring, on a Wednesday in mid-May. 

The sun beat down on Kakashi’s trembling shoulders as Gai approached, grinning from ear to ear. He looked positively radiant, Kakashi had to admit. He thought he might be walking a bit too fast, though. Weddings were all about good pacing, weren’t they? They were going to look like fools if he kept running towards him like that, all agitated-looking. He looked as if he were running to a base in kickball, not walking down the aisle at his wedding.

Really, they were nearly in the first grade now. Gai needed to grow up.

Gai stumbled as he reached the end of the dirt-packed “aisle,” toppling directly into Kakashi and knocking them both to the ground. Kakashi wanted to be annoyed, but this was his beloved, and it was their wedding day. They’d known each other for almost the whole school year now. Things couldn’t be more right, and he couldn’t have chosen a better life partner. Even if it did mean getting knocked into the dirt or having to hang upside down from trees to “do the Spiderman kiss!” on occasion. Though their classmates called them weird, he decided this must be what love was. It made his insides feel all itchy.

Gai giggled as he lifted himself off of Kakashi. “Whoops! My mistake, honey darling.”

“I don’t think honey darling is a real thing you can call your spouse.”

“Duh! We’re not married yet, so we’re fiances, Kakashi! At least for a few more seconds,” he corrected him with a very Gai-like grin and a sloppy wink.

They stumbled their way off the ground, half-collapsed in each others’ spindly arms and laughing. 

“You ready, fiance?” Gai asks eagerly, pulling two plastic rings out of his pocket.

“Hmm,” Kakashi pauses, adjusting the white sheet wrapped around Gai’s midsection, “now I am.”

He’s glad Gai opted to wear the so-called dress. He’d been subjected to enough dress-wearing torture as a baby; though he didn’t quite remember, he had the cringe-worthy pictures to show for it. He and his dad both neglected to ever mention it. Besides, Gai seemed to like his sloppily-tied toga-slash-dress. He looked nice in it, too.

Gai, tears sparkling in his eyes, slid one loose ring onto Kakashi’s thumb and then his own before leaning in to place the smallest of kisses on his cheek. Kakashi decided this occasion was momentous enough for a full, tooth-showing grin. He turned to beam at Gai, and was met with a dandelion in his mouth.

“Rin,” he chided, turning to glare at her, “I don’t think you’re supposed to throw the flowers on us.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “I’ve been a flower girl before! I know what I’m doing.”

She kept throwing the dandelions, which, Kakashi hated to point out, were actually weeds and not flowers. He guessed it could still be romantic, if you looked at it that way.

Gai hugged Kakashi, keeping his arms around him as he turned to Mr. Minato Uzumaki (Mr. Namikaze, technically, he had reiterated at the beginning of the school year, but the class agreed his wife’s name was better and more fitting). 

“What do we do now?” Gai questioned, “Now that we’re married, I mean. You should know, right? Do we get to have a house together? Do you and Mrs. Kushina have a house together? Oh no, she’s going to be so upset she wasn’t invited!”

He laughed in response, nodding. “We do have a house together. You and Kakashi aren’t quite old enough for that yet, but you could spend time together at your fathers’ houses.”

“Alright, great!” Gai thumps Kakashi on the back. “Did you hear that, new husband?”

Of course he had heard; he’d been standing there the whole time hadn’t he? He nodded silently.

There had already been time spent at each other’s houses. Plenty of it. They had sleepovers nearly every weekend. Kakashi wondered if marriage meant they would have to kiss before they went to bed now. He hoped not; he wasn’t ready for that much commitment.

Just then, Mr. Uzumaki checked his watch and then blew his little orange whistle, signaling the end of recess. Yamato came jumping down from the trees, Asuma and Kurenai bolted out from underneath and playset, and the wedding-goers all moved to line up in front of their teacher. 

Obito snuck up to Gai and Kakashi in the line, elbowing Kakashi in the ribs. “So, hey, do you think....I mean, would it be, um, copying, if I asked R-Rin, and we got married, the same way you guys did?”

“It wouldn’t be copying. Lots of people get married.”

Gai poked his head--literally leaned between them--into their conversation, grinning enthusiastically. “That sounds great! I think it would be wonderful if everyone got married this year.”

Kakashi shrugged at Obito. “You gotta get her to say yes.”

Obito slumped his shoulders and walked to the back of the line. Gai looped an arm around Kakashi’s shoulders, pulling him into a half-hug. “I’ll always say yes to you.”

Kakashi couldn’t hold back a discreet smile. “I’ll share my sandwich with you today.”

Six-year-old marriage felt like an endpoint for Kakashi at the time. Looking back, it was just a milestone in their absurd relationship, if that. He had kept the ring, but the marriage was more of a joke to him. After a week or so in Kindergarten, he stopped taking it seriously. Gai however, was another story. 

 

They spent much of their time together. That much didn’t change for years. They still marathoned Bruce Lee and Disney movies before passing out on the couch and being moved to bed by Dai. They still raced, played tetherball, and held rock-paper-scissors championships every recess, then shared lunches afterward. 

The two were virtually inseparable. Even when he desired it, Kakashi could seldom find time alone. He would visit Minato and Kushina with Rin and Obito, and Gai would find his way there not one minute after they arrived. He couldn’t do his homework, take a bath, or read a book without Gai involving himself somehow.

It wasn’t quite that he minded Gai’s presence. He loved helping him with his homework, or taking baths and reading books together. Just not all the time. He was sure even actual married couples spent time without each other, and he needed his space. He always had. Allowing Gai to be one of the few allowed to breach that space didn’t mean it was his forever.

Still, they made quite the dynamic duo. On a good day, they’d perform their secret handshake up to ten different times and could finish each other’s sentences. Despite never leaving him be, Gai did understand Kakashi. It felt nice to have someone like that.

 

Fifth grade brought a censored, entry version of sex education, which left Kakashi squirming uncomfortably in his seat, reluctantly providing the skewed, “biologically correct” answers his teachers wanted to maintain his status as a good student. Even at eleven, Gai’s voice had already started to deepen ever so slightly. Kakashi began to downright refuse to take baths together, using the excuse that they were getting too old. He wore layered sports bras, thicker turtlenecks. He talked less not only to Gai, but to everyone.

The last day of school ended with Kakashi hiding out in the boys’ bathroom, stuffing toilet paper into his briefs to block the oncoming flow of hot redness. It took him a good fifteen minutes to properly compose himself and rush out to make the buses, where Gai stopped him in his tracks.

“Are you alright, Kakashi?” He asked, arms flung out to both sides to prevent him from running.

“Fine,” he muttered, “let me get to my bus.”

“I really want to know, before we’re out for summer. You’ve been so distant, and--”

“I’m okay.”

“You act a lot differently--”

“Gai, we’re both going to miss--”

“I worry about you.”

The look on his face is so sincere that Kakashi considered responding truthfully, but he merely frowned.

“Let me get to my bus,” he restated, “please.”

They remained standing in the empty hallway as the buses pulled out. Gai attempted to wind his arms around Kakashi, who pulled away.

“The buses left.”

“Whatever’s wrong, you know I’m still here, right? We are still married, after all,” he laughs nervously, then blushes, “is it...the stuff you were talking about a while ago?”

It’s then that Kakashi remembers that Gai does, of course, know he isn’t quite like other boys at their school. He also, due to a lunchtime Feelings Jam, knows specifically that Kakashi had been regretfully anticipating the start of his first period. The thought made his face flush as well, and he averted his eyes.

“Maybe. No. How are we going to get home?”

“My dad can come get us. But, Kakashi--”

“Can we leave it for now? I’ll talk to you more over the summer.”

Gai, for once in his life, decided to leave matters to rest for then. The pair held hands in silence between the seats as Dai drove them home. 

Kakashi didn’t see Gai again until the start of sixth grade.

* * *

He never would have admitted to it, but the idea of middle school was intimidating to Kakashi. He tried to make himself out to be the source of intimidation; most of his outfits were primarily black or grey, with leather combat boots and a black scarf pulled up to his nose completing the look. He was, however, still very scrawny, and still very evidently an incoming sixth grader.

His dad helped him to get ready the first morning, checking to see that all his supplies were packed and fixing his hair and clothes for him. 

“You gonna try and make some new friends? I’ve noticed Gai hasn’t been around; did you two have a falling out?”

“Not really,” Kakashi replied, with a noncommittal shrug, “we’ve just both been busy. And I don’t think I’ll try and talk to anyone new.”

“Ah,” Sakumo laughed, “that’s the Kakashi I know, then. Good luck.”

He patted him on the back before waving him out the door. Kakashi didn’t wave back; he was way too old to be getting goodbyes from his dad before school. He’d have to mention that when he got home.

 

The school halls were packed by the time Kakashi arrived, and he tried his best to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. He overheard snippets of conversation--what had happened the last summer, gossip about new teachers, et cetera. Everyone here seemed hopelessly boring, but he didn’t care about that right now. He found his way to his homeroom--what appeared to be a tech ed classroom--and quietly sat himself down, resting his chin on his hand and pulling out the latest novel he’d been reading. 

It was going to be a long day.

Not five minutes later, a boisterous and familiar laugh filled the hallway, and in walked none other than Maito Gai, a wide grin stretched across his face. Kakashi looked back down at his book, pulling his scarf further up over his face before Gai could see him. He knew he’d be noticed eventually, but he might as well prolong it. He only hoped Gai wouldn’t be too angry with him. 

Thirty seconds--exactly, Kakashi had counted--had passed when Kakashi heard booming footsteps approaching and felt a hearty clap on his back. “Kakashi! Great to see you, old friend! I’ve really missed you this past summer.”

Kakashi slowly lifted his face from the page, his eyes just barely meeting Gai’s. “It’s great to see you too,” he said cautiously.

“I’ve even got my ring on still; don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you at martial arts camp! Ah--”

He lifted Kakashi’s hand and examined it from different angles, then frowned ever so slightly. “Where’s your ring? Did you leave it at home today?”

Forget “long day.” It was going to be a long year.


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi skirted around Gai in the hallways, hid from him at lunch, and tried his best to appear busy in the classes they shared (and sat next to each other in, of course). Middle school became an obstacle course. To appease Gai, he wore the stupid ring. It wasn’t as if it was that big a deal to have a little plastic band around his finger at all times. No one cared enough to ask about it anyway. Besides, he didn’t hate Gai or anything; he just didn’t like the idea of being around him lately. Something about their last encounter before the summer made him uneasy. 

Gai, however, acted as if they hadn’t spent a long three months apart. The first few weeks of school, Kakashi managed to evade his requests for sleepovers and movies; he always had too much homework, a soccer game, dogs to walk, or errands to run with his father. Gai had expressed nothing but patience and calm understanding for his excuses. Middle school was a “tough time, after all,” as he had said repeatedly.

It wasn’t until mid-September that Gai voiced even a semblance of irritation regarding Kakashi’s evasiveness.

He approached him a Friday morning in their homeroom. scooting a chair over to face him. God, Kakashi hated how he always had to look him right in the eye like that.

“It’s your birthday this weekend,” Gai opened, a slight pout twisting his features.

“Yes. So what?”

“You’re not having a party! Yamato and Asuma were asking me about it today. They thought maybe you decided you didn’t like them anymore.”

Kakashi sighed. “I don’t need a party. We’re getting too old for that. I mean, I’m turning twelve. I can’t just have like, a ninja themed birthday party or whatever you guys are thinking.”

Gai’s pout deepened itself into a frown. “Well, why not? It would be fun!”

Kakashi responded with silence, hoping it would signal as an end to the conversation.

A pause. Not even three seconds. “Then perhaps we could do something together, just the two of us. How about a movie and dinner, husband?”

Kakashi cringed and looked around apprehensively. He wished Gai wouldn’t acknowledge their “marriage” in public. Especially not at school.

“You can’t take me to a movie and dinner. I don’t want to do any of that, anyway. And I’m--”

Kakashi felt his gut tighten as Gai looked at the ground, the corners of his lips turned down. “You’re busy. Alright, then."

He moved his chair away as the bell rang. Well, at least he seemed to be getting the idea. Kakashi wasn’t sure that made him feel any better. His insides all seemed to droop as he turned to face the front of the classroom to listen to their teacher drone on about school happenings.

* * *

Kakashi spent--enjoyed--the majority of his birthday alone, save for his eight dogs. Sakumo bought him Safeway cookies and gave him $10, which was good enough of a present as far as the both of them were concerned.

No one who would have expected a party from him called the house or otherwise bothered him, which was a welcome shock. Not even Gai had tried to contact him or stop by. Kakashi was almost disappointed; Gai was more persistent than that, wasn't he?

Sakumo had not yet returned from work as the day drew to an end, and Kakashi decided that 8pm was a reasonable enough time to go to bed. He made the trek from the couch to his bathroom, brushed his teeth, then returned to his room and started to wriggle his way out of his shirt and binder. He stopped in his tracks, half undressed, when he noticed the figure--clearly not a dog--already seated on his bed. He scrambled to get back into his shirt. 

“Gai, what are you--? How did you even get in here?” Kakashi demanded, struggling to hide his flushed face in the hem of his shirt.

Gai chuckled, abashedly scratching the back of his neck. “Well, I came to give you your birthday present, of course.”

Of course.

Now that Gai had lived up to Kakashi’s expectations of relentlessness, he appreciated it significantly less. He wished Gai would have followed suit with the rest of his friends and let him be today. He looked over to see Gai eagerly patting the spot on the bed--Kakashi’s bed--next to him. Kakashi was incredibly frustrated, but couldn’t not oblige when his closest friend looked at him like that. He took a seat as Gai fumbled with a small black box, which couldn’t be... 

"It's a ring," Gai said, sliding the aforementioned object into Kakashi's finger, "a real one. So we can actually be married one day."

Kakashi laughed it off, waiting for the jocular "no homo" to leave his friend's mouth. He cleared his throat when it never came.

"Uh, thanks. This must have cost a lot, right?"

"Almost all my savings."

He hadn't expected that. "Seriously? Gai, you have to take this back. Didn't you have almost two hundred dollars?"

"That's right," he said, displaying a proud grin. Kakashi wanted to smack it off his face.

"Why would you spend that all on a dumb present for me?"

Gai blinked, visibly confused. He placed one hand on each of Kakashi's shoulders. "Because I care about you," he explained, a twinkle in his eye, "You know that."

Kakashi was overcome with the sudden sensation that his guts had turned inside out and that he might vomit. He averted his eyes from Gai's face.

"Obviously," he muttered, "because otherwise you might not bother me so much."

Gai merely chuckled, throwing his arms around Kakashi and pulling him down to rest his head on the pillows with him. “It’s my job to bother you! And iff you don’t mind, or if you do, I wanted to sleep here tonight. We really haven’t spent much time together lately, and I know your dad won’t mind!”

Kakashi passed another wave of nausea as Gai’s arms found their way around him. His skin tingled at the spot where his hands now rested on his lower back.

“Well, I don’t mind, but my dad usually doesn’t want--”

Gai put a finger to Kakashi’s lips. “Come on, I’ve snuck in here loads of times before! Has he ever gotten angry with either of us when he found out?”

Kakashi was out of excuses, and sighed in resignation. “No. Alright, fine.”

“Score!” Gai moved his arm to fist-pump the air, then quickly replaced it on Kakashi’s back. 

Kakashi allowed a hint of a smile to grace his face. As much as he tried to hide it, he had missed Gai. His weekends hadn’t been the same without his booming laughter and fervent energy. There were even times he’d thought the lack of it had started making him depressed. He laced his arms around Gai’s back in turn, and gazed at him thoughtfully.

“But,” he began, dampening Gai’s spirits slightly, “I’m ready to sleep now.”

“That’s just fine! We young folk do need our rest.”

Kakashi laughed then tentatively leaned in to rest his head against Gai’s chest. “You sound like a grandpa.”

“Do not. If I were a grandpa, I wouldn’t be young folk.”

Kakashi smiled to himself, twirling the new ring on his left hand. He listened to the gentle, rhythmic thud of Gai’s heart as his eyes slid shut.

* * *

Kakashi woke, confused, to the bouncing and creaking of his mattress. He lifted his head just enough to see Gai bouncing on his knees next to him as he vigorously shook Kakashi by his shoulders. Going by the room's lighting, the sun hadn’t even risen yet.

"Gai," he pleaded, "I'll do whatever workout or game later, ok? It's not time to wake up."

"You always say that!" Gai groaned, lifting Kakashi's limp body by his armpits. He couldn't be bothered to protest. "I'll even change your clothes for you and everything. Let's just go for a quick run."

Kakashi snapped awake and squirmed his way out of Gai's grip. "I'll run with you if you stop touching me like that."

Gai frowned, but responded by climbing off the bed and giving Kakashi a foot or two of space. 

"Dress yourself, then, and I promise I won't look." 

To affirm his statement, Gai quickly placed both hands over his eyes. Kakashi fought the urge to laugh as he rummaged through his drawers for workout clothes. He turned to make sure Gai's eyes remained covered as he changed into a somewhat clean sports bra, a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

"You can look." 

Gai uncovered his eyes and placed his hands on Kakashi's shoulders as he stepped back to admire him.

"You look wonderful."

"It's my workout clothes," Kakashi commented, rolling his eyes and grabbing his scarf, only to find Gai gripping the other end and gazing at him.

"What?"

Gai furrowed his thick eyebrows. "Why do you wear this?"

"It's chilly."

"But you wear it all the time now. You cover up your face."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Kakashi had his reasons, none of which he was willing to admit. Especially not to Gai, who would surely take insult as his friend if he knew of Kakashi's self-image issues.

He shrugged in reply. Gai frowned, but let him take the scarf.

 

They ran in silence, footsteps in tune with their heartbeats as their soles pounded along the dirt road. Gai occasionally interjected with a "Keep it up!" or "Don't quit now!" Not that Kakashi needed the encouragement. He was about as fast and enduring as--if not moreso than--Gai was. The run was far from a challenge, especially by Gai's usual workout standards. He felt far from motivated, and still a bit drowsy as their sunrise run drew to an end, and allowed Gai to take the lead in their finishing sprint.

Their steps came in line with each other's in Kakashi's driveway, and Gai held out his hand to offer a high-five.

"Nice work today," he commented as Kakashi obliged his offer, "but I know you can do much better."

"I'm feeling under the weather."

"Sure you are," Gai winked. Kakashi wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.

A silent pause filled the air as they both looked not-quite into each other's eyes.

"Shouldn't you head home soon?" Kakashi asked, eager for time to himself.

"Oh, yes, right! My dad will be waiting for me," he said, already backing out of the driveway, "Good day, Kakashi!"

Kakashi nodded in farewell, then turned back to his own house.

 

Back at his house, Sakumo sat in a kitchen chair, hands folded on the table. "Where were you?"

His father never asked him where he had been.

"Just on a run with Gai," he answered.

The two of them paused. Sakumo seemed to be sizing him up. "Sit down. Let's talk."

His father never asked him to talk. Warily, Kakashi slid into the chair across from Sakumo. He wasn't afraid of him, but the man’s demeanor always made him feel so small. The fact that Kakashi was also literally, actually small didn’t seem to help.

"Kakashi, now, you've done nothing wrong, know that. But...I want to know if," Sakumo started, his voice beginning to waver, "er..."

Kakashi wondered what could possibly make his dad so nervous.

"Son, are you...the nature of your relationship with your friend Gai, and I know at this age..." he mumbled. Kakashi waited patiently, not wanting to interrupt.

"Do you think you might be a homosexual?"

...What? "What? Dad, you know that whole marriage thing is an old joke. We were six.”

“But you’d tell me if you thought so, right? I mean, I know we aren’t the closest, but…”

Kakashi rolled his eyes. “I’d let you know if I was gay for Gai.” As if. He moved to stand from the table when Sakumo took hold of his wrist.

“Or gay for anyone, or not gay, just. I’d like to know.”

Kakashi nodded, his face a bright red. Though he almost appreciated his father’s trying to actually father him, he would appreciate his peace much more. He would also appreciate less invasive questions about his nonexistent love life. As he dragged himself shamefully back to his room, he pondered whether or not he should have one. Obito seemed to think he was onto something with Rin, but his perceptions of things were rarely credible. All Kakashi knew was that he wasn’t gay--certainly not for Maito Gai--but he had no interest in girls either. He was focused on his studies and himself, as always. Wasn’t that perfectly acceptable?

He questioned Rin and Obito on the matter at lunch on Monday.

“Am I supposed to be in love with someone?” he asked, in the middle of another conversation, not knowing how to breach the subject.

“Well, I think--” Rin started.

“No, Kakashi, you’re not. That’s for normal people who have, like, feelings,” Obito interrupted, in mock support, “so you don’t have to worry about any of that.”

Rin whacked him with a folder of hers, and Kakashi decided to ignore the both of them if his question was going to go unanswered anyhow.

A moment later, Rin got his attention. “I think it’s okay for people our age to be in love, if that’s what you were asking. It is a little silly, though, isn’t it? We’re only twelve. That leaves a lot of living and loving left to do,” she said with a smile, "Are you asking because you think you might be in love?”

Kakashi shook his head and hummed deep in his throat before returning to his food. He guessed she had a point, though at twelve, he felt plenty old. Maybe he was just more mature than his peers, he thought, as Obito flung a spoonful of mashed potatoes across the cafeteria.

 

In addition to homeroom, Kakashi shared a gym class with Gai, which also happened to be the class in which Gai was his most ardent self. He found Kakashi in the hallway and followed him into the locker room, raving the whole way about the workout he heard their teacher had prepared.

"Running, Kakashi! We do plenty of that already--we'll be great at this cardio unit!"

"Sure," Kakashi responded, attempting to pull a shower curtain out in front of Gai's grinning face so he could change.

Gai didn't seem to respect privacy much, now or ever, and merely watched as Kakashi switched his binder for a sports bra and his school clothes for a gym uniform. It's inevitable, Kakashi figures--there's no point in protesting it at this point, though it is embarrassing having him staring like that.

"And, Kakashi, only two laps as a warm-up! I think we can sneak another one or two in there."

Only he would find ways to sneak in more effort.

The boys were herded outside and onto the track, where they were told to run, as Gai had somehow heard, two laps. Gai took Kakashi's hand and was the first of the class to hit the track running. Kakashi stumbled at first, then let go of Gai's hand to run at his own pace. As the two of them started their third lap, the gym teacher pulled Gai aside.

Kakashi stopped--he was technically finished anyhow--and tried to listen in to the hushed conversation over the shouts of the other middle school boys. All he managed to gather was that Gai had been called to the guidance office. He watched his friend run off with a determined nod.

 

The 45 minute class ended without Gai's return, which, though he hated to admit it, worried Kakashi. As far as he knew, Gai had done nothing disruptive enough to incite the response of being sent to the office for more than one class period. At the time of the summons, he had expected it was because of Gai's previous attempts to walk down the halls on his hands between classes. He had accidentally kicked one other student in the face, but surely that wasn't that bad of an offense. He shouldn't have been away for so long.

Kakashi worried through the rest of the school day and on his bus ride home. He felt a pang in his chest as he wondered if maybe this was what it was like for Gai when he ignored him; remorse flooded his veins. He had been an awful friend, hadn't he?

Kakashi got off the bus and made the monotonous daily walk from the bus stop to his house, his backpack draped over one shoulder. He strode through the front door and removed his boots in the entryway as he made his way to his bedroom. He was distracted on his way by Pakkun, who stood and his feet whimpering.

“What’s wrong, boy?” he wondered.

He followed his visibly distressed dog to find a light in the kitchen, illuminating his fathers crouched silhouette. Sakumo had never come home this early on weekdays. His presence in the house made Kakashi worry.

"Dad...?"

As he neared his father's figure, Kakashi realized his face was in his hands, breaths leaving in quiet, scattered sobs. Kakashi had never seen him cry. Sakumo turned, regarding Kakashi with a nod, empty-eyed.

"You're home from work early," Kakashi acknowledged, not sure what else to say.

Sakumo contemplated his next words for a good thirty seconds before clearing his throat and speaking again.

"There was an accident at work," he started, a long pause before he explained further, "I had a few men go to put out a fire down 8th Street, but it was intentional, it turns out, not just a regular house fire--"

He paused, choking back another son. He shook his head. "It's my fault. None of them made it out."

Kakashi stood, mostly unphased by the deaths of strangers. With a tilt of his head, he questioned, for the sake of sympathy, "Who were the men?"

"No one you would know," he murmured in response, "except perhaps your friend's father, Maito Dai."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got this done faster than i expected. i can't stop writing this!! i hope you all have as much fun reading as i do writing, and thanks for all the kudos on the first chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

Gai wasn’t at school the next day. He rarely missed school, but Kakashi guessed this was a perfectly reasonable excuse. He knew Gai had been incredibly close to his father--that much was evident in the constant head pats and secret father-son handshakes he’d noticed whenever he visited their house. He and his father had nothing like that. It made him wonder if he would react to his own father’s death at all.

The school week dragged on without Gai. Kakashi found himself dozing off in classes more frequently when he wasn’t constantly being bothered by Gai or his various odd remarks. When four days passed without so much as a house call or a late-night tap on the window from him, Kakashi truly began to worry. He had always seen Gai as resilient, but he had always claimed that resilience came only from his father. He wondered if this was Gai’s breaking point--maybe he couldn’t just get up and keep going as he’d always done before anymore.

Kakashi spent half the weekend by the phone, considering dialing Gai’s house. He wasn’t, however, particularly interested in having to talk to his mourning mother first, and wasn’t sure how to deal with a deeply saddened Gai on the phone anyhow. He doubted he would be anywhere near reassuring. When had Kakashi ever been a comforting presence in Gai’s life?

He was a godawful friend. He knew that, but he didn’t know how to change it.

 

On Monday, it seemed the entire school had condolences to offer. Gai came back to school, and was met in classes, in the hallways, and at lunch with “I’m so sorry!”s and “Tell me if you need anything”s.

“Thank you! I am doing my best to recover right now, and that means a lot to me!” he would respond, sounding upbeat as usual. Kakashi, sitting a table away in the cafeteria, noticed something different in his demeanor. His shoulders slumped, and his grins seemed less sincere. He accepted consolation with an assuring, but unquestionably false nod. It bothered Kakashi.

He couldn’t be bothered enough, however, to offer Gai his own consolation. He wasn’t sure how to. He didn’t know if he had ever comforted someone a day in his life.

 

Gai approached him first, in their homeroom exactly a month after Dai’s death.

“Good morning, Kakashi,” he said, pulling up a seat casually.

By Gai’s tone, Kakashi wondered for a moment if the past month had even happened. 

“Um, hi.”

“You know...you know about my dad, right?”

His words jarred Kakashi out of his early-morning stupor. He felt a sinking in his gut; Gai had to start this conversation. Kakashi was his best friend, and Gai had to drive compassion out of him for the loss of his father. His expression softened ever so slightly.

“Yes, I know. I...I knew the day it happened. I’m sorry.”

He tried to condense as much meaning into the last two words as possible. Gai smiled.

“Everyone’s saying that. ‘I’m sorry.’ Like it’s their fault or something. I think that’s awful funny, don’t you?”

Kakashi had a difficult time seeing anything funny about the situation, and shrugged in response. “You know what everyone means. That...really sucks.”

Gai chuckled and patted Kakashi on the back. “You’re the same as ever, aren’t you?”

The both of them were, he thought, as they were scolded and asked to turn to the front of the classroom.

* * *

They grew closer than they had been since elementary school over the course of that school year for two major reasons.

The first was that Kakashi could hardly refuse a kid whose dad had just died. He’d feel cruel for saying no to a sleepover or refusing a Friday night movie marathon. It only made it worse that it was Gai--as bad as he was at expressing it, he cared an awful lot about the boy.

The second was that Kakashi remembered how much he truly enjoyed Gai’s presence. Something about middle school had made spending time with him an embarrassing feat. No one at school really liked Gai; they merely tolerated him and his extravagant personality. He was obnoxious, he was weird, and he took gym class far too seriously. Kakashi, in his efforts to be cool and mysterious, may have forgotten that he liked those things about Gai. He admired his enthusiasm for anything and everything. Sometimes, he needed it.

Everyone in his life seemed to rejoice at their renewed closeness.

“I’m glad you guys are talking like you used to way back,” Rin said, seemingly out of the blue one day at lunch, “it’s like, you guys are best friend soulmates, you know? In an opposites attract way.”

Kakashi didn’t respond with more than an eyebrow raise, and resumed eating his noodles. Rin continued anyhow. “Plus, you’re happier when you spend time with him. It’s noticeable, even if you think it isn’t!”

She gave him a smile, her chin in her hands. Obito was making gagging motions from behind her, but stopped and blushed when she turned around.

“I think you guys are a little too close,” he observed, “sometimes it’s a little gay.”

Kakashi promptly hit his friend with his empty lunchbox.

“You beat me to it,” Rin laughed.

“Ow, dude,” Obito said with a grimace. 

Obito wasn’t the first to inquire about the closeness between him and Gai. Yamato, too, had approached him and asked, less teasingly, if he was going to date Gai. 

“No!” Kakashi had snapped, regretting his tone after he said so, “Everyone thinks that. Not you too.”

Yamato had blinked, bewildered. “I just thought you might be nice for each other. Everyone else is going on dates now. Asuma and Kurenai--” he had paused, lowering his voice, “they kissed in the hallway the other day. Maybe you could kiss Gai.”

Kakashi had recoiled at the thought. He didn’t want to kiss anyone, much less Gai. He wondered vaguely what kissing would feel like--probably pretty disgusting, especially with someone like Gai. He would be way too enthusiastic.

Not that he needed to think about kissing, anyhow. He was only twelve. Kids these days were ridiculous. 

 

Besides the odd intrusions by his friends on the matter of his sexuality, Kakashi felt that, for the most part, he was better off than he had been in months. He hadn’t realized how much his estrangement from Gai had affected him. Even in mourning, he managed to be an incredibly positive influence.

Saturday nights found them huddled together under Kakashi's comforter, holding a flashlight and telling stories.

"This one time," Gai began on a chilly night in March, "my dad took me to these public gardens. The types with flowers and art and everything.”

Kakashi knew this story well; it was almost as intrinsically a part of him by now as it was of Gai. 

"The gardens were beautiful, and it was the most perfect day in spring. When it's sunny and the breeze is just right, you know. So we’re walking along, and he’s holding my hand, and we look down at the path. And there’s this turtle. I almost stepped on him!”

“Because he was red, like the bricks on the path.”

“The shell was red, Kakashi. The turtle himself was a greyish brown. And my old man says to me ‘Gai, you’ve always wanted a pet turtle, haven’t you?’ And I said yes, ‘cause I had. So then he lets me just pick up the turtle and take it right then! We smuggled him out of the gardens in my pocket and then went to Petco and got everything we’d need to take care of him. And then we get home, and I have a turtle now, and my dad asks what I want to name him. Which I hadn’t even thought about, believe it or not. Can you guess what I decided on?”

Kakashi rolled his eyes. “You named him--”

“Kakashi. Because he made me happy, just--like--you.” He paused between words to jab his finger into Kakashi’s stomach. “The end!”

“You forgot the part where the turtle dies. Didn’t he get flushed down the toilet?”

“That’s no way to end a story!”

“But death is how everything ends, isn't it?"

Kakashi didn't realize his mistake until Gai's lip began to quiver. Globby tears began forming in the corners of his eyes.

He was an insensitive, socially inept, and a complete idiot. He was at a loss for what to do as he listened to the start of Gai's sobs, watched his shoulders hunch and his face fall into his hands.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"

"It's fine!" Gai interrupted, with a bat of his hand, "just give me a second."

By the sound of his blubbering, he was going to need more than a second. Uncomfortably, Kakashi adjusted himself to move closer to Gai and draped an arm around his shoulders. The other boy responded with a grief-stricken wail and threw both of his arms around Kakashi's midriff. Kakashi, in return, slowly wound his arms around Gai’s shoulders. He felt them rise and fall with each sob, hiccup, and gasp. Gai was a crier--that much Kakashi had always known, but he had never seen him cry so forcefully, had never heard his friend’s voice so full of pain.

He supposed he had a good reason.

Under his blanket, Kakashi held Gai and let him weep until the early hours of the morning. He appeared to have dozed off still wrapped around Kakashi, his face buried in his shoulder. Kakashi couldn’t protest. Against his nature, he moved a hand to stroke the hair at the back of Gai’s neck as they lay there. His breaths fell in time with Gai’s relaxed heartbeat.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured against his scalp. He considered a moment before gently placing a kiss there. Gai was asleep anyhow, he figured.

At least another hour must have passed, Kakashi holding a sleeping Gai, before the hushed air was interrupted.

“Thank you,” Gai breathed, very much awake. 

He squeezed Kakashi midsection, and, now in complete silence, the two drifted off to sleep.

* * *

That spring was one of the best of Kakashi’s young life. Gai demanded that their new-found togetherness be spent in the outdoors, play-sparring and exploring their neighborhood. That much was alright with Kakashi. His dad hadn’t been quite the same since the firehouse incident, and he never felt as if he were wanted around the house. It was better for both him and Sakumo if he spent time away from home, at least the way he saw it. He never did ask his father.

School was a minor annoyance, but Gai and his other friends were there. Besides, he was a prized student. He maintained straight As even in classes he generally slept or read in. The end of sixth grade came, and brought with it ceremonies attended by the parents of their class. From the front of the school gym, the empty spaces where Maito Dai and Sakumo Hatake should have been sitting looked glaringly huge. 

The tranquility of spring faded into the freedom of summer. Kakashi and Gai, often with Rin and Obito (always reluctantly) in tow, explored countless beaches and forests in the area. Kakashi’s evasiveness kept them out of trouble for the most part. They only endured one telling-off from Rin’s mother, an occasion that was to be remembered by the group for centuries, despite their vows to never speak of it.

Gai’s favorite summertime hobby became an injury-inducing practice he liked to call “parkour.” 

It was on a blistering hot day that he first showcased his new talent to Kakashi, Rin, and Obito. He stood atop a garbage can which was already leaning quite precariously, arms spread like wings.

"And now," he announced, "allow me to introduce you to the art of parkour!"

He promptly flung himself from the top of the trash can to the hood of his mother's car, denting it slightly. Kakashi looked on from a distance, finding the act somewhat admirable, but entirely ridiculous.

"Gai!" Rin shrieked, "We have to find a way to fix that now!"

She continued her panic as Kakashi dozed off in the grass and Obito climbed onto a trash can to follow Gai's lead.

Perhaps his most reckless stunt was one performed in the early hours of a morning in late August. 

Gai had evidently decided that he could use his new "talent" to enter Kakashi's room in the dead of night. The plan was exactly the sort that would've seemed foolproof to Gai--that was, it was entirely susceptible to failure. Kakashi would've rather been woken up by anything but the glass of his bedroom window shattering, but if his friendship with Gai had taught him anything, things didn't always go as desired.

Gai started the seventh grade with a broken leg and stitches up his arm. Kakashi made it out of the ordeal with only a few scratches and a broken window. 

"No more parkour," Kakashi scolded as they walked, Gai limping on his crutches, into school on the first day.

Gai huffed. "I'm getting better, Kakashi! That particular stunt was just poorly--"

"No more parkour."

Gai's shoulders sunk, but he made no further retorts. Kakashi could only hope it meant a smashed window-less future for the both of them.

Once again, they shared a homeroom. Rather than a sense of impending doom due to this fact, Kakashi felt hopeful for the year ahead. He more dreaded the fact that this teacher had assigned them seats across the room from each other. That was the difference in their relationship now as compared to last year, he supposed. He smiled to himself behind his scarf as he glanced across the room to see Gai waving at him. He held up one of his own hands in silent greeting.

Teachers seemed to expect much more of him this year. Perhaps it was just that he was getting older; he was, as a matter of fact, going to be a teenager this year. It could have also just been that they now knew his capabilities from the previous year. He thought maybe he’d have to start trying less hard.

His first school lunch of the year was spent with Rin, Obito, and Gai all at one table. His two other friends had warmed up to Gai, despite his constant over-enthusiasm. He was incredibly content with all three of them getting along. Though his lunch table was now more crowded and noisy, it felt much more like a home.

“Guess what, guys,” Rin had started their conversation that lunch, “my mom’s gonna let me get a cell phone this school year.”

“Oh man,” Obito’s face had absolutely lit up, “you’ve gotta give me your number. I finally have someone to text and--and I’ll text you all the time, of course.”

Kakashi smirked, not that anyone could see.

“My mother let me get one over the summer!” Gai added, “So you both can text me too.”

He winked, and Obito gave him a death glare. Kakashi had to hold back a laugh.

Gai turned to face him. “What about you, Kakashi? I’d like to text and call you the very most.”

Kakashi felt his cheeks heat up slightly. “I don’t have one.”

Sakumo had told Kakashi his first cell phone could wait until his thirteenth birthday, which was not an issue to Kakashi. He didn’t see the point in having one anyhow, He could talk to anyone he needed to contact at school. He figured that with one, he would just be pestered non-stop for homework answers by Obito. 

“Oh,” Gai said, his smile fading somewhat, “that’s too bad.”

 

The four of them shared a gym class that year. Kakashi wasn’t sure if he looked forward to it or not; the first day, at least, was a complete disaster. Their teacher seemed to think that first day dodgeball with a group of rowdy adolescents was a perfectly good idea. Kakashi opted to sit out along with Yamato (and Gai, who would have rather played, but was unable), and they still came out of the class bruised and beaten from round rubber projectiles. It was a sort of bonding experience, though neither Yamato nor Kakashi said a word besides ‘ow.’ Gai, however, made plenty of noise, most of it game commentary.

Rin rushed over just before the bell rang, bandages in hand. “Are you hurt at all, Kakashi? And, um, Yamato?”

Obito swaggered up behind her, grinning slightly. “Nurse Rin to the rescue again. Remember in Kindergarten?”

Kakashi couldn’t help but smile, though almost imperceptibly. “I remember. And we’re fine, Rin, but thanks.” 

She smiled down at him, handing him a bandage anyhow. She looked almost embarrassed as she handed it over, shuffling her feet.

“Oh, um. Okay, I guess.” He couldn’t think of another response.

Yamato and Kakashi stood, joining Rin and Obito.

“A little help?” Gai requested from the ground, where he sat with his crutches.

Kakashi helped him off the ground, and was immediately pulled into an embrace. He wondered how Gai still managed to maintain such a tight grip, injured as he was.

“Oof, unnecessary,” Kakashi grumbled, pushing Gai off and handing him his crutches, “and you’re going to fall.”

Gai smiled and took the crutches, immediately moving to launch himself down the school halls to his next class.

* * *

The talk of the school quickly became the back-to-school dance--who was taking who, and when was so-and-so going to ask someone? Kakashi never understood the big deal. He had luckily neglected to attend a single school dance thus far, and he planned to keep it that way. As far as he understood, it was just a bunch of sweaty pre-teens standing around uncomfortably. It wasn’t quite how he would have liked to spend a Friday night.

His immediate response when asked by Gai was a solid ‘no,’ bordering on an ‘absolutely not.’

“I can’t go to a school dance with you. I don’t want to. I won’t.”

Gai’s bouquet of roses fell to the ground. His face fell almost as quickly. “Why not?”

People had already started looking over at them in the hallway. Kakashi discreetly kicked the roses back in Gai’s direction. “First of all,” he started, “I’ve never been to a dance in my life, and I don’t really want to go. Second,” he lowered his voice, “don’t you think that’s a little gay?”

Gai raised his eyebrows. “Who cares?”

“I care,” he looked down at the ground, adjusting his backpack strap. “I might not like people at this school an awful lot, but I care how they see me, you know?”

“No, I can’t say I do,” Gai retorted, a rare frown crossing his features. “Everyone else is taking someone they like to the dance. I wanted to take you.”

Kakashi grimaced. “You don’t like me like that. We’re friends, but you’re not taking me to the dance.”

He turned off down the hall and shuffled on to his next class. Gai, he was sure, hadn’t moved from his spot.

 

Kakashi hated when things were uncomfortable between he and Gai. Honestly, truly, he was his best friend; he didn’t want Gai’s possibly homosexual tendencies to get in the way of that. And he definitely didn’t want to go to a school dance.

Gai was persistent as ever. Kakashi could hardly turn a corner without having a bouquet of flowers shoved in his face. He wondered how Gai could possibly afford them all. He had been repeatedly subject to various combinations of roses, chrysanthemums, tulips, honeysuckle, and forget-me-nots.

It was the waterworks that pushed him over the edge.

They had been walking down the hall, having the same conversation they’d been having for the past week, when Gai suddenly dropped to his knees and embraced Kakashi’s legs, burying his face in one of his shins. His crutches tumbled to the ground with him.

“If you don’t go with me...I’ll have no one! Please!”

Kakashi, along with the rest of the school, didn’t know how to react to his best friend having collapsed in the middle of the hall between classes. Gai continued blubbering, holding on tightly to Kakashi’s legs. Half the school seemed to stop and gather around them.

This, Kakashi decided, was beyond unfair. He gently pulled Gai to his feet and whispered into his ear.

“I’ll go to the stupid dance with you.”

Gai’s tears stopped abruptly and he pulled away from Kakashi, looking at him in awe. “Really? You really will?”

“If you promise not to cry anymore.”

Gai grasped Kakashi by the shoulders, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug as other students tried to maneuver around them. Gai burst into tears again.

“I thought you’d never say yes!”

“Ah--okay, Gai, but you’re crushing me, and we need to get to class, and your crutches--”

Both of them were incredibly late for their third period that day.

* * *

The night of the dance was cloudy, lit only by a dim crescent moon. Gai arrived with his mother to pick up Kakashi at precisely 6:30. Predictably, Kakashi was not yet ready when they arrived, still pulling on a pair of black dress slacks to go with his grey polo. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was supposed to wear to a middle school dance, but this had seemed nice enough. 

Why should I care about my appearance anyway?, he wondered as he grabbed his scarf and shoes, It’s only Gai, and a stupid school dance.

As he ambled out the front door, he was greeted by a grinning, bouncing Gai in a full black tux, complete with a green bowtie. Kakashi was thankful for his scarf; he had to hold back a laugh. Gai looked so absolutely ridiculous, so Gai, that he couldn’t help but grin.

“Ready to go, Kakashi? I’ll race you to the car,” he said with a wink.

He grabbed Kakashi by the hand, dragging him along behind him as he ran towards the car. Kakashi thought that kind of defeated the point of having a race in the first place, but it was Gai, after all. He announced, at the car door, that he had won, before climbing in, still pulling Kakashi.

Gai initiated most of the car ride conversation, delving into topics such as “how lovely Kakashi’s hair looks tonight!” and the list of songs he had planned to request the DJ at the dance. “Eye of the Tiger” was on there at least eight times that Kakashi had counted.

Upon their arrival at the dance, Kakashi became less amused and more embarrassed by Gai’s appearance. Of course, they couldn’t just be the only male-male couple at the dance; one of them had to look like he was attending a wedding, too.

Gai stopped Kakashi at the door, before they could put forth their two dollars to get into the school gymnasium. He rummaged around in one of his pockets and presented a corsage, smiling. Kakashi turned bright red.

“For you,” he said, clipping it onto the chest pocket of Kakashi’s polo.

“Gai, I don’t think this is that kind of--”

Gai gave him a knowing look. “For you.”

Kakashi went silent, and the two of them paid and walked inside. Kakashi made a point to stand just far enough away from Gai so that he couldn’t hold his hand. They didn’t need more unwelcome attention than they were already receiving. He opted, additionally, to look only at the ground. He began to hope that, despite his distinctive appearance, no one could recognize him in the dimly lit room.

“Oh boy,” Gai interrupted his thoughts, “do you think they’ll play the Cha Cha Slide?”

Kakashi sighed. “I hope not.”

 

Two hours later, after Kakashi had been subject to not one, not two, but three rounds of the Cha Cha Slide and one air guitar strumming session set to Eye of the Tiger, things had started to wind down. Most of their classmates had moved to sit along the walls, drinking sodas and eating chips. Kakashi had tried to get Gai to come with him and do the same, but he seemed set on headbanging to whichever Jonas Brothers song was playing just then. He noticed, out of the corner of his eye, that Rin and Obito were dancing somewhat near each other off in a corner of the room. Obito caught his eye and winked, pointing to Rin. Kakashi gave him a thumbs up, being too far and not motivated enough to tell him how entirely uninterested she looked.

The second to last song faded into Journey’s “Faithfully.” Kakashi recognized it from his father’s old records immediately and cringed--he guessed this was the slow dance. As a few couples stood up to return to the floor, Kakashi backed away, avoiding Gai’s gaze at all costs. It took him about half a second to make his way over and grab Kakashi by the wrist gently.

“What’s the point in going to a dance together if we don’t do the slow dance?” he challenged. 

In resignation, Kakashi sighed and took Gai’s hand, shrugging. He allowed him to pull him out to the center of the gym, where a few people stopped their dances to stare at them and whisper. Kakashi shook his head and turned back to face Gai, who was beaming, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes.

“Please don’t cry,” he pleaded.

“I’m not! I’ll try. It’s just,” he explained, “I’m very, very, happy, Kakashi.”

He pulled him in closer and they swayed, an uncomfortable rocking of adolescent hips with shaky hands placed carefully each other’s shoulders. Gai was warm, and happy, and if he avoided the looks of his classmates, Kakashi felt perfectly happy too. He shut his eyes and rested his forehead against Gai’s shoulder, feeling his quickened pulse through his neck. The song, he thought, was awful, and cheesy, but perfect for right then. He could’ve fallen asleep with Gai whispering the lyrics into his ear, standing just as they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM FOREEEEVER YOUUUUURS  
> FAITHFULLY
> 
> thank you as always for the kudos/comments/etc! it means a lot to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while! ive got AP exams coming up, so ye....
> 
> ALSO, MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER FOR SUICIDE! also a less major warning for violence!

maito gai, TXT 7:01 PM, 12/31  
> Kakashi! You’re late! Hurry!!! I’m making everyone save snacks for you.

Kakashi looked down at his phone from the passenger seat of his father’s truck and sighed. Gai’s birthday party had started precisely one minute previous, and he was almost there. It wasn’t as if he was going to miss anything. i’ll be there in a sec. dont keep your party waiting for me, he texted back, hoping to ease his friend’s unnecessary worry. Despite Gai insisting that he was a Very Important Guest to the event, Kakashi managed to make himself just late enough. He didn’t want to appear too clingy.

maito gai, TXT 7:02 PM, 12/31  
>Phew!! I see your car. Thank goodness! <3

Kakashi rolled his eyes and turned to his father as they pulled into Gai’s driveway. “Thanks for driving me, dad.”

Sakumo merely nodded in response, staring ahead blankly at the house in front of him. 

“Tomorrow, could you get me around ten?”

Another nod. The two exchanged no goodbyes as Kakashi walked out the passenger side door. Kakashi neglected to glance back. Something about his father had been extremely off lately. Silence was nothing new in their relationship; they had an unsaid agreement that neither of them liked verbal communication all that much, but something about the silence as of late was different. It hung heavier in the air when they didn’t speak, less liberating and more oppressive.

Kakashi was given no time to worry about Sakumo, as just then a gangly figure dressed in a bright green turtleneck sweater and a sparkly cone party hat threw itself at him.

“I was starting to worry you wouldn’t come!” Gai said, embracing him and almost taking him to the ground.

“I’m barely a minute late,” he muttered into Gai’s shoulder, “and of course I’d come.”

It wasn’t as if he had much else to do on New Year’s Eve.

Gai led him inside, dragging him by his left arm. 

“Kakashi’s here!” he promptly announced to an unexcited audience.

Yamato looked up briefly from his can of Sprite and smiled, but no one else in the room acknowledged him much, which was fine with him. 

Gai pushed him further into the room, seating him on the couch. He handed him a noisemaker and a cone hat, both blue. “Do you need anything to eat or drink? We’ve got lots of refreshments.”

“I didn’t get the special treatment when I walked in,” Asuma grumbled sarcastically from the kitchen table, where he sat holding hands with Kurenai.

Kakashi’s cheeks flushed slightly and he pulled his scarf up further over his mouth. Gai laughed and slapped him on the back. “Asuma, you know he’s my Very Important Guest! You’d treat Kurenai the same way if it was your party.”

Kakashi stood up, interrupting Gai. “You know it’s not the same thing. right? We’re not...the same as them. It’s different.”

Aware that he was drawing unwanted attention to himself, Kakashi sat back down. The tips of his ears were red with embarrassment and frustration. Why didn’t Gai understand things like this? Sure, they were best friends, but Kakashi really couldn’t stand him and his assumptions sometimes.

Gai seemed to notice his distress and offered him a bag of chips, which he declined.

“Here’s your present,” he said, offering up a small green bag, “I don’t know where you’re putting them.”

Gai grinned and took the bag. He looked as if it took all his willpower to not look inside. “Thank you, Kakashi.”

 

Kakashi passed on cake, already having eaten dinner at home. He watched as Gai excitedly opened his presents. He received a bonsai from Yamato, knee pads and patterned bandages from Rin, Nerf guns from Obito, and an assortment of money and gift cards from most of his other guests. 

As his own present came to the table, Kakashi tried as hard as he could to disappear into the fabric of the couch. He had hoped Gai would open it later, when it was just the two of them. His hopes went unfulfilled.

Gai opened it with his widest grin yet, tossing aside tissue paper with fervor and light in his eyes. 

“You have to read the card first,” Kakashi interrupted, eyes just barely peeking out from under his scarf.

Gai looked even more delighted at the prospect of a card. He dug in the bag for it, shielding his eyes to keep from seeing the gift, and took it out with a flourish.

"To Gai, happy birthday and..." He began to read.

Kakashi shook his head vigorously. He should've known Gai would try to read the card aloud. He hadn’t written anything too ridiculously sappy, but still, for him…

Gai blushed and read the rest of the card in silence, looking up when he was finished with a bright smile. 

“Everything you do makes me happy, Kakashi,” he reassured him, “I’m sure this gift is wonderful.”

Kakashi disappeared entirely beneath his scarf. Asuma chuckled from across the room. Kakashi could hear the rustling of tissue paper and Gai’s excited gasp as he pulled the gift out of the bag. Kakashi couldn’t help but peek.

“Be careful, it’s--”

“Beautiful!” Gai interrupted, holding up the gold ring, decorated with emeralds in the shape of a turtle. “I’m naming this one Kakashi too.”

Kakashi shrugged, not wanting to say much more, especially not how much the ring had cost him. Almost all his savings, as Gai had spent on him the year previous. It wasn’t about being showy, or getting him the best gift, or showing he cared the most. It only seemed fair--that had been Kakashi’s thinking.

Gai bounded across the room and tackled Kakashi in a hug, pushing him back into the couch cushions. Begrudgingly, he held the other boy back. It was starting to get incredibly hot beneath his scarf.

“Thank you! Now we both have new fancy rings to wear all the time, don’t you think that’s great?”

Kakashi nodded, pushing Gai back. All in all, he wasn’t quite sure what he thought. He was too busy trying to hide his embarrassment; every eye in the room was on him and Gai.

 

The party went on into the wee hours of the morning. Gai had done a lap on his hands around the house at precisely midnight, shouting that it was his birthday. Kakashi and Rin had followed to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.

By three in the morning, everyone had left but the two of them. After Gai’s mother had gone to sleep, they sat on the roof, side-by-side. Only here, in the dark, would Kakashi allow Gai to be as close as he was. Kakashi’s left hand was clasped tightly in both of Gai’s.

Gai interrupted the long silence and the chirping of scattered crickets. “What makes us different?”

“Hm?”

“What makes the two of us different from couples like Asuma and Kurenai?”

Kakashi cleared his throat, incredibly grateful for the darkness of the night air to hide his blush. “First of all, we’re not a couple.”

“We might as well be,” Gai said, in a tone somewhere between joking and longing.

Kakashi pulled his hand from Gai’s and put his arms at his side, focused intently on the sky. “We can’t be. I don’t want to be, Gai, that’s gross.” The words came out before he could stop them. Even avoiding Gai’s gaze, he could tell they had stung him. He didn’t want to think about it.

“What makes it--”

“We’re both boys. Stop talking about it.”

Knowing anything he said would only upset his friend more, Kakashi chose to stand, preparing to climb back inside Gai's bedroom window.

"Maybe I should just leave."

Gai had stood up behind him, ready to follow. Kakashi felt a pang of guilt at the tears now welling in the corners of his friend’s eyes.

"No, I'm sorry. Please. It's my birthday."

After a moment of silence, Kakashi seated himself back on the roof. Even he couldn't resist Gai's best puppy dog eyes. Especially not on his damn birthday.  
School seemed to drag on after their winter break came to a close. Kakashi maintained his good marks without too much complaint. His father took less and less pride in his son's work. He seemed to be taking less joy out of most things, come to think of it.

Kakashi would come home late from school to Sakumo laying, not quite asleep, in his bed. The room was always dark, and Kakashi couldn't get much more than a nod or a head shake out of the older man. He had vague worries, but was more focused on his own. Besides, he was thirteen now. He might as well learn to make his meals and do his laundry on his own.

He realized, soon enough, that he had managed to mess things up between him and Gai yet again. Really though, it shouldn’t have been his problem if Gai wanted to act like a homosexual around him. Maybe this time, it wasn’t his poor social skills that caused the trouble. The thought, at least, made him feel better about the fact that their conversations, as of late, had become shorter and less personal. He resented that a part of him still wanted to apologize for cutting him off so suddenly.

Gai continued to wave at him in the halls, a timid grin on his face, and Kakashi was forced to look at the jewel turtle on Gai’s ring finger in every class they shared. The thing was so obnoxiously large. He wished he had never bought it.

His phone was overflowing with unread messages--”Are you okay”s and “We should hang out”s! Occasionally, to appease the other boy, Kakashi would respond with a “fine” or a “no”, but nothing more. Rin was the first to notice and be vocal about the situation.

Their lunch table had become incredibly uncomfortable, the four of them seated silently, with very occasional interruptions by a dirty joke of Obito’s or a brief of Gai’s current workout routine. One Tuesday, Rin broke the silence with the slam of her palm on the table and a loud sigh.

“I can’t take it anymore!”

The three boys jumped in their seats. Obito choked on his turkey sandwich, and Rin pounded on his back to get him to stop gagging as she continued, her voice still raised.

“Kakashi, stop being such an idiot! Gai, stop being a big wimp and talk to him! I don’t know what happened this time, but this is getting ridiculous!”

Kakashi’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected to be called out--certainly not by Rin, of all people. She had always been more patient with him than Obito.

Gai was the first to speak up after her outburst, leaning across the table towards Kakashi.

“Best buddy,” he said, patting Kakashi’s hand, “I’d really like to talk to you again. I’m sorry for...for--”

Kakashi cut him off, not wanting any of his other friends to hear about their conversation on Gai’s birthday. “It’s fine. We can talk.”

He didn’t realize right away that he was blushing as Gai practically collapsed across the table to grab him in an embrace.

\- - -

The rest of seventh grade went by easily enough, only the tension in the air over undiscussed matters of some pre-teen conception of love interrupting the relative simplicity of the school year and being thirteen.

Finals were easy. Summer was harder. 

Sakumo wouldn’t drive Kakashi anywhere; he would claim that he was “too busy” only to disappear to his room for hours at a time. Kakashi only saw his friends if he biked to their houses or they came to him. The lack of socialization was far from the only thing keeping him miserable; his father’s very presence seemed to bring him down lately. The man avoided work so often Kakashi was surprised he hadn’t yet gotten fired. He found himself making meals for his father and forcing him to eat; he kept claiming that “he couldn’t.” The electric bill would go   
unpaid, and the sweltering heat of their house without air conditioning was enough alone to dampen Kakashi’s spirits.

It was Rin, surprisingly, who kept him company that summer. Gai was busy with some martial arts summer camp, and Obito spent a good portion of July at a family reunion. She would come over and babble on about her other friends, and how annoying Obito was getting and how she knew he liked her, and was Gai gay or something, because he acted so weird around Kakashi. He never seemed to do much speaking, which made him wonder why Rin wanted to spend time with him in the first place.

Still, she was company, which Kakashi appreciated greatly. 

The four of them weren’t able to spend time together as a group until August, when they were all driven by Gai’s mother to go see some new action movie. Kakashi didn’t even know the title, but was nonetheless excited to get out of the house. His father’s misery, now beer-soaked, was becoming impossible to stand.

The movie started at noon on a Sunday, so Kakashi was drowsy and dragged his feet as they walked through the doors of the theatre. His friends around him were babbling excitedly; Obito had heard the movie was “freaking sweet,” with lots of avalanches and explosions. 

“That does sound mighty exciting!” Gai agreed, pumping his fist in the air.

Rin rolled her eyes and glanced at Kakashi. “You wanna sit next to each other and get away from these dorks?” 

It took him a moment to register her question, and when he did, he merely raised an eyebrow.

Steps ahead, Gai pouted. “We’re supposed to all sit together, Rin!”

She blushed slightly. “I know, Gai, but…”

“We’re all sitting together,” Kakashi demanded. It had been a long time since he’d seen all his friends, and he wanted to enjoy their presence without petty fighting. Gai flashed him a grin.

 

The first half of the movie was so dull that Kakashi doubted it could even be considered an action film. It all looked like a lot of white guys in suits to him, though, from what he collected, they were supposed to be spies. Even Gai, to his left, didn’t look all that entertained. Their main focus seemed to be on the popcorn, which, to his dismay, had been placed in Kakashi’s lap. Obito continually crawled over and around Rin to get bites of it. He was further annoyed by Rin and Gai, who both seemed to try and reach into the popcorn bowl at the exact same times he did. He was fond of both of them, but didn’t exactly want to be touching their greasy hands.

Rin, at one point, attempted to take hold of his fingers as he reached into the bucket. Instinctively, he pulled back. “What’re you doing?” He hadn’t expected his voice to come out so harshly, but went with it.

“I, um,” she whispered back, “nothing, just thought it would be nice to hold hands. The movie’s getting pretty intense.”

Kakashi failed to see how the two things were at all related, but was suddenly made incredibly uncomfortable. He handed Rin the popcorn bucket, avoiding her gaze, and redirected his focus to the screen.

All in all, it wasn’t his best friendly outing. He was glad when the film finally ended and he was able to return to the quiet of his house.  
School came as it always did at the start of September, bringing with it a heavier load of work and more drama than ever before. Teachers said they were preparing their students for high school, and Kakashi supposed his peers were doing the same. Apparently growing up meant spreading more rumors and causing everyone more emotional trouble.

Gai, on the first day of school, seemed entirely unperturbed by whispers in the hallways that he was gay. 

“Not even a little?” Kakashi wondered at lunch, complete with an eyebrow raise.

“Let them talk!” Gai responded, much too loudly even for the cafeteria, “If spreading my youthful energy and kindness with my male peers makes me a homosexual, then so be it!”

He finished his exclamation with a wink in Kakashi’s direction. He was left wondering what that possibly could have meant.

 

Kakashi spoke to his father for the first time in weeks the next morning, at a breakfast table where they sat across from each other--also an uncommon occurrence as of late. More shocking, Sakumo had a bowl of cereal and was eating it. He must have prepared it for himself. Kakashi couldn’t remember the last time he willingly ate.

It was Sakumo who broke the silence. “Good morning,” he opened, with a casual smile that suggested the last year or so had never happened.

“Um, morning, dad,” Kakashi responded, looking up from his own bowl of cereal worriedly.

His father, only frightening Kakashi more, grinned in response before continuing with his cereal.

“How’s school? And all your friends?” Sakumo asked, still in incredibly pleasant spirits.

“They’re all fine. School’s fine; it’s easy,” Kakashi replied, still wary.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy for his father’s sudden change in demeanor. His former state had gotten incredibly depressing, and this was certainly an improvement--he just didn’t know what could be credited for it. He was about to ask just that when Sakumo spoke again.

“Are you happy?”

Was he happy? It seemed an odd question for his father to be asking, especially considering his own mental state as of late. Now that he was forced to think about it, Kakashi supposed he was happy--at least reasonably so. He had good friends and what he thought was a good mindset towards school. Even his biggest trouble--his dad’s scarce presence in his life--seemed to be clearing up now. Yes, thirteen was an awkward age to be, but all things considered…

“Well, yeah,” he responded, “I’m pretty happy.”

His father paused in eating his cereal to grin at him from across the table. Kakashi lowered his scarf to grin back.

 

It was strange that Sakumo had chosen that day to ask if Kakashi was happy. Following their conversation that morning, it became one of his happiest. 

During his first three classes, an assembly was held in the school auditorium--something about incentives for good behavior and setting a good example for the seventh and sixth graders to follow. Kakashi didn’t pay much attention; what mattered was that the assembly was lengthy and got them out of classes. He and Gai sat next to each other, playing cards, rock-paper-scissors, and laughing at old pictures Gai had saved to his phone. They were only shushed by a teacher once. 

Something about their newfound maturity and increased status as eighth graders gave Gai the confidence to want to cause more trouble than he had in the past. That day at lunch, the two of them rebelliously snuck out of the cafeteria to venture into the woods surrounding the school, where they challenged each other in tree-climbing and ate their lunches together, their feet dangling from branches feet above the ground.

“I’m glad we did this,” Kakashi remarked, though he had been doubtful about the proposed escapade initially. 

“I told you it’d be wonderful! And look at the view from here.”

Kakashi scoffed. “It’s just the school grounds.”

“But from further away! It looks tiny.”

It didn’t look all that small or exciting to Kakashi, but he was in too good a mood to spoil Gai’s fun as he usually might have. He kept his silence, merely smiling until Gai spoke again.

“I bet Rin regrets staying inside with Obito. He’s probably making quite the fuss, too.”

Rin had, moments previous, scolded them for doing something so reckless on school grounds and had forbade Obito from joining them. He had already begun whining at her when Gai and Kakashi left the cafeteria.

“He’ll get over it. Besides, it’s cool to have some time alone with you,” Kakashi remarked, sincerely.

“Really?” Gai’s face lit up.

“Yeah,” Kakashi replied, smiling visibly for the second time that day. 

 

Kakashi’s high spirits were dampened slightly by the lack of his father’s presence when he arrived home. He had thought that just maybe he would wait around in the kitchen to ask him how his day was as he did when he was younger, but that was evidently not the case. A quick check of the bathroom, where Kakashi heard the water running, revealed that Sakumo was merely showering. That made him feel a bit better; in recent months, he had rarely gotten up to shower himself. He was likely still in as good a mood as he had been that morning.

Kakashi made his way to his bedroom, dropping his backpack on the bed and pulling out his Advanced Algebra homework. Factoring polynomials--just what he had been looking forward to doing. He flopped down on the mattress on his stomach and started working. x²+5x+6--it wasn’t hard, but he wished it would just do itself…

In a matter of minutes, Kakashi had passed out, face-down on algebra problems. He awoke hours later to a setting sun visible through his window. This work would be for the bus tomorrow, he guessed, sitting up and stretching. He groaned--he had fallen asleep with his binder on, and now his back ached. He stood and removed it, tossing it aside to be replaced by a sports bra. That was a bit better. 

He smelled no dinner being made, meaning he would probably have to prepare one himself, as usual. It wasn’t that he had expected his father to make something tonight, but he had, admittedly, hoped. 

On the way to grab a bowl of instant noodles, he passed the bathroom, and noted that the water was running again. Two showers in one day? Maybe Sakumo was making up for his lack of self-hygiene the past few months. 

Kakashi twisted the doorknob. Locked. “Dad?”

Just then, two of his dogs, Pakkun and Bisuke, began circling around his feet, whimpering and clawing at the bathroom door. He supposed they could just want to get in to see Sakumo, but it was still enough to cause Kakashi concern. Somewhat frantically, tension only heightened by the now gathering crowd of whimpering dogs, Kakashi began searching above doorways for one of their house’s room keys. It took what felt like hours for him to find one, and what must have been another hour for him to properly open the bathroom door.

The water was indeed running, and the shower curtain was pulled shut, but Kakashi didn’t see his father’s silhouette behind the curtain. Maybe he had just forgotten to turn the water off…? But then, where was he?

Tentatively, Kakashi pulled back the shower curtain.

The sight waiting for him was one he would not soon forget. He took less than a second, stretched out to be a year, to process the situation.

His father, lying fully clothed on the shower floor. His eyes were slightly sunken in and empty--so, so empty, there was a kitchen knife and a collection of razor blades at his side, and the water was red, so red...There was so much blood. It tinted the water rushing down the drain, spattered across the walls, burned itself into Kakashi’s vision. He could hardly even tell where it was coming from--his dad’s wrists, his throat, from nowhere and everywhere at once.

He vaguely remembered someone screaming. He guessed that must have been him. 

Sobbing, he had tripped over his own feet trying to make it to the phone in the kitchen, the sound of howling dogs continuing as background noise. 9-1-1, he had to call the police, someone had hurt his dad; his dad had hurt his dad…

 

Some strangers in uniform had handed him a shock blanket, which they wouldn’t allow him to shrug off. His father’s body was carried out of their house, covered in a white sheet. Kakashi didn’t have the energy left to protest, to try and say goodbye, or to cry as the corpse of his only remaining family member was carted away.

For some odd reason, he was taken to the hospital and set up in an empty white room, forced to wear a hospital gown. The nurses kept referring to him as a girl--“Sakumo Hatake’s daughter,” they called him. He couldn’t gather his voice or his wits enough to correct them.

The first thing he spoke was a question, to a visiting stranger who had come in and out of his room the past few days. From what he had gathered, she was a social worker. “When can I go back to school?”

The stranger frowned and glanced up from the clipboard she was holding. “Soon enough,” she said, “when you feel ready.”

He wanted to rebut that he was plenty ready now. They had taken his phone when he came to the hospital. He didn’t see the purpose of that, as it surely would only cause his friends to worry. He didn’t want any of them making a fuss about him, especially when he was perfectly fine and intact.

 

It wasn’t until a week later that he was deemed “well” enough to go to school, and even then, only accompanied by the social worker. The whole idea of it was embarrassing, but he hated to get more behind than necessary on his schoolwork.

In the hallway, he avoided the gazes, pointing fingers, and whispers of his classmates. Followed closely by his social worker, he made it to his first period easily. This convinced her enough that he was capable of making it through the day alone. Hopefully, she would go tell whoever needed to know that he was able to take care of himself. It wasn’t as if he’d really had a father the past few months, anyhow. He could be quick to adjust. Based on the way the social worker and his classmates looked at him, though, no one was convinced of his well-being.

Lunch arrived and Kakashi didn’t feel like eating. He sat at a table by himself, his eyes half-daring people to approach him. 

“Don’t you have friends you usually eat with, Kakashi?” A worried teacher wondered as he passed by.

“I do, but--” Kakashi began, interrupted by the sudden presence of none other than Obito and Rin.

“Oh, Kakashi…” Rin greeted him, glancing at the teacher worriedly before rushing forward to embrace him.

Obito hung back awkwardly for a brief moment before turning the embrace into a group hug. “Really sorry, dude. This must suck a lot.”

To his surprise, Kakashi was deeply upset by his friends’ attempts at comforting him. It was senseless; he had been fine for the past week, but now that someone showed genuine concern for him, he felt tears welling at the corners of his eyes. He focused, eyes closed, on trying not to cry. That would be humiliating.

While he wasn’t looking, a third pair of arms pushed the others aside and flung themselves around him. 

“Kakashi!” A tearful, booming voice echoed throughout the cafeteria.

Kakashi knew exuberance was simply a part of Gai’s personality, but now, with half the school’s eyes on him, was really not the time. He didn’t return the hug, and found himself growing more and more frustrated as Gai continued to hold him against his chest.

By the time he finally pulled away, Kakashi was near enraged at the teary expression on his friend’s face. He didn’t need sympathy, or anyone else’s tears.

“Kakashi,” Gai said, his voice shaking obnoxiously, “this is horrible, and I know there’s not much I can say, but just know that I understand. Okay?”

Kakashi felt his limbs burning with rage. He understood? So what if Gai’s father had died? He at least had his mother. He wasn’t forced to see Dai’s corpse in the bathtub, all cut up and bleeding, hours dead, with nothing to be done… Fury coursed through Kakashi’s veins. He stood slowly, his entire body shaking. 

In that moment, he inexplicably wanted to hurt Gai, to make him feel something even close to what he was feeling, to make him really understand.

He swung with his right fist. clenched knuckles meeting Gai’s cheek. He looked shocked--horrified. The expression Kakashi must have had on his face that night a week ago in his bathroom.

“Kakashi,” Gai said weakly, raising his hands in protest.

Kakashi flew at him, adolescent limbs swinging furiously. He wanted him to hurt, wanted someone to hurt the way he was forced to. 

A girl’s voice screeched from somewhere far away. Gai’s nose had begun to bleed when Kakashi was pulled back by arms much stronger than his. He kicked and struggled, bit the arm which held him back, but to no avail. He wailed and sobbed uncharacteristically loud as he was dragged off to the front office, the cafeteria in an uproar behind him and the teacher who had hauled him away.

 

Kakashi waited in a guidance counselor’s office, refusing to speak. He traced patterns on the fabric of his seat as tears traced their way down his cheeks. 

He had hurt Gai. Hurt, hurt, hurt him badly, and though the kid was used to pain--usually self-inflicted, Kakashi had never wanted to be the one to cause it. That was his best friend, who he cared about deeply, maybe the only person left who loved him.

And he had hurt him, for reasons he could now hardly remember.

He was scolded, of course, questioned, and scorned by school administrators and counselors. They all expected better of him, had thought he was a good student, didn’t understand why he would lash out so violently. Calls were made. He refused to speak for hours.

Towards the end of the school day, he was left alone in the office. He slumped in his chair, staring blankly at his own feet. Moments later, there was a knock on the door-- _him knocking on the bathroom door at home, “Dad?”, and no response_ \--and footsteps made their way around him. Men’s sized shoes-- _boots, like his father’s, now sitting empty by their front door_ \--were made visible on the ground in front of him, and then a face.

“Kakashi,” a familiar, fatherly voice greeted, “it’s been a while.”

He looked into the aged face of his former Kindergarten teacher, Minato Namikaze.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took an eternity for personal/school reasons; senior yr has been hell and i don't feel like getting into that! what i do feel like getting into is kakagai. here goes.

Kakashi sat in his new room for days, surrounded by unpacked boxes. He left only to eat and use the bathroom. The rest of his time was spent tracing patterns on the daunting, blank ceiling for hours on end--the shape of his old doorway, his father’s house. Blood trickling across everything in rivers.

He had been suspended from school after the fight with Gai, not that he minded much. He didn’t want to be around anyone. Now he wasn’t allowed to be. It seemed fair enough to him.

Days passed simultaneously like hours and like years. He seemed to have new visitors every minute, bringing with them more food and flowers, “I’m sorry”s and other condolences. Everyone seemed to want to hug him. He wasn’t incredibly inclined to let them do so, but complied in a numb sort of way. All his visitors had begun to look and feel the same, anyhow.

Minato informed him, early on in his stay, that he had missed the wake and the funeral. He couldn’t really bring himself to care. He had already seen his father’s corpse once and didn’t see the necessity in having it further seared into his memory. 

That day, Minato stayed with him in the room for a while, talking to him about work, describing his new Kindergarteners that year, and making otherwise substanceless conversation. Kakashi listened politely, appreciating the efforts at distracting him. It didn’t change the fact that at the sound of certain words, or sometimes even just the way Minato’s mouth formed them, Kakashi’s mind would inexplicably go blank and be replaced by images of a bathtub filled with blood and the sound of his own horrified screaming.

A part of him expected his father’s suicide to be the only thing he could think about twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, but that was proving to be untrue. He found himself, after a while, worrying about his grades. Sure, it was only the beginning of the school year, but he must have been substantially far behind by then. 

He surprised himself by worrying about his friends, too. He hadn’t exactly left them on good terms and wasn’t looking forward to having to repair things there. The thought left him wondering how long he would be allowed to miss school. It had been… almost a week? Surely his suspension had ended already.

 

It was the following Monday when he was awakened before eight in the morning by the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen and a knock on his door.

“School today,” Minato’s voice announced through the door.

It wasn’t evident in his tone of voice alone, but Kakashi could tell it was a command. He grunted in response.

“Um, Kushina’s making you breakfast. Should be ready in about ten minutes, and I can help you look through your clothes if you’d like.” His former teacher sounded almost nervous, as if he was afraid he would be attacked if he used any sort of force to try getting Kakashi out of bed.

It seemed ridiculous. Minato was the grown man, after all. Kakashi was a traumatized pre-teen. What sort of threat could he possibly pose?

He guessed, though, that he had proven himself capable of violent outbursts. Maybe this was how everyone saw it fit to treat him now. The thought was depressing.

 

The process of getting ready for school was uneventful. Kakashi didn’t protest, doing everything he had to in order to make the bus in time. There was a palpable lack of conversation; neither Minato, Kushina, nor himself seemed to have much to say. Maybe that was for the best. He wasn't sure what there was to be said.

Everyone stared as he made his way onto the bus; that much was to be expected. His last day at school, weeks ago, he had gotten into a huge fight that he was sure had been the talk of the school. Middle schoolers never seemed to have much better to talk about than fights or romance. It was awfully annoying.

Ignoring the whispers, Kakashi pulled his scarf higher up over his face, nearly blocking his field of vision. He took his seat and slouched, hoping to go as unnoticed as possible for the duration of the ride.

“Hey, you,” a fellow eighth-grader said, turning around from the seat in front of Kakashi’s. “Ain’t you that kid who beat the crap out of Maito Gai?”

Kakashi felt shame bubble up in his stomach, but he nodded, hoping the boy would leave him alone.

“Wanted to thank you,” he said. “That guy’s a piece of work. You finally got him to shut his mouth. He’s barely said a word the past few weeks.”

Kakashi grunted in reply and sunk further down into his seat. He could tell it would be quite the feat to make it through this day.

 

He managed to avoid seeing most of his classmates until about lunch by staying in the guidance office. The counselors had no problem with him being there, it seemed; he was allowed to sit alone in a darkened room, doing the work his teachers sent down for him. He wondered, if he played depressed enough, if he could work like this for the rest of his school career. It was so much less of a hassle.

Still, he knew he had to see his friends - if they could still be considered that - eventually. A part of him desperately wanted to; he knew even he couldn’t isolate himself entirely. He hated that he had to be so human. The prospect of coming across Gai, Obito, or Rin was starting to feel like that of peeling off an incredibly large, rotten bandage, and he wasn’t exactly the confrontational type.

Confrontation found him eventually, and, in hindsight, he should have seen it coming. Students from his various classes had been bringing him his work the entire day, usually someone he was reasonably friendly with, or had at least spoken to once or twice -- someone like Yamato, or Ebisu, and others that had blurred in his mind. He had entirely forgotten that Gai was in his sixth period Biology class until he burst through the door of the guidance office, carrying a massive textbook and a stack of papers and grinning like he had just entered a fairground.

“Kakashi!” Gai shouted, approaching Kakashi’s space -- that had, he noted, not been invaded by anyone else all day.

He slammed the textbook on the table and immediately pulled up a chair, seating himself directly across from Kakashi and leaning over the table. Kakashi leaned away. Gai didn’t break eye contact for a second. Kakashi wondered, for a moment, if he was going to yell at him, to tell him that he had been horrible, that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. He wasn’t sure, at this point, how that would make him feel.

Gai suddenly grabbed him by the hands. “Are you okay? You haven’t been in school for… a billion years, I think! We were all so worried! Oh, buddy, it’s great to have you back.”

Kakashi hardly had time to react before he was being tugged across the table, pulled into a tight hug against Gai’s chest. He was close enough to hear his heartbeat, a booming, soothing sound befitting of Maito Gai.

“You’re not… mad? I punched you in the _face_.”

Gai laughed, a deep chuckle that Kakashi swore he felt all the way down to his bones. It had been a while since he’d heard anyone laugh. “The past is in the past! I can’t blame my dearest friend for things he did when he was upset, can I?” His voice lowered a bit. “I understand.”

There were a million things Kakashi wanted to point out -- that “the past” was only two weeks ago, and he would allow Gai more time to forgive him if he needed it, and that he didn’t see how Gai could exactly understand -- but he opened his mouth to speak and his lip started to quiver.

“Thanks,” he managed, in a strangled sort of whisper. 

“Nothing to thank me for!” Gai said, finally pulling away. He kept his hands on Kakashi’s shoulders, looking into his eyes in an adoring sort of way. 

Kakashi cleared his throat, eventually averting his eyes, which still felt oddly teary. “And thanks for the Bio work, too.” 

He backed away, as if to urge Gai to leave. He couldn’t exactly stand in the guidance office forever; he still had his classes. He looked a bit dismayed, but seemed to understand the request. 

“No problem at all, Kakashi! I got a good workout walking all the way down here, too.” Gai flashed a grin and a thumbs up before leaving the office. Kakashi noticed that he couldn’t stop glancing back as he walked away.

 

Knowing that he was able to spend his school days out of the way of everyone else made the task of going much less daunting. Kakashi woke even earlier than he had to the next morning, as sleep had proven difficult anyhow. He had already fixed himself breakfast and gotten dressed by the time Minato came downstairs. He gave him a surprised glance and then a gentle smile before sitting at the table across from him. 

“Ah - woke up early, didn’t you?” He paused, as if waiting for a response from Kakashi - one that he didn’t plan on giving. “Kushina and I, we were wondering if you wanted to do anything tonight, or this weekend. We could get a cake, if that’s what you’d like.”

Kakashi stared at him for a moment, completely bewildered. As far as he was aware, a cake wasn’t exactly the condolence you’d provide in his situation. 

Minato looked worried when he didn’t speak. “It is… today, right? Sorry if I mixed it up, I’ve had a lot of students over the years, but I’m fairly sure your birthday is September fifteenth?”

At first, Kakashi felt overwhelmingly stupid. Even with everything that had happened, he should’ve been able to remember his own birthday. The embarrassment was quickly followed by a wave of anxiety; he hated the attention he got on his birthday _normally_ , and with the mood he’d been in lately…

“I don’t like sweets much,” Kakashi explained, “and can I stay home today?”

He tried to keep the plea out of his voice, to make the request casual, unrelated to his birthday, but Minato didn’t seem to fall for it.

“You don’t want to go see your friends? I’m sure they have a lot of birthday wishes for you -” He seemed to remember in this middle of his sentence who Kakashi was. “Or, you know, they might leave you alone if that’s what you want, too; I’m sure they’re really good friends…”

Kakashi’s shoulders fell. He couldn’t actually miss school, as many days as he’d been out already, but he knew Gai at least would do a terribly excellent job of advertising his birthday, which could easily lead their other classmates to share his enthusiasm. 

“Whatever,” he said, standing from the table and setting his dish in the sink, “I’ll go.”

 

Kakashi speed-walked off the bus and into the school building once he arrived, the hood of his jacket up and his scarf pulled tight to his nose. If he just made it to the guidance office, he could tell them not to let anyone visit him today, and then…

“KAKASHI!” he heard suddenly, from halfway down the long hallway. Heads turned almost immediately. He dared to look up. 

Gai stood at the end of the hall, a bouquet of balloons in his hands. Rin and Obito stood to either side, a tray of cookies and a small gift bag in each of their grasps, respectively. Rin flashed an apologetic look. 

Accepting his fate, Kakashi made his way down the rest of the hall, ignoring the glances in his direction and the “Happy birthday”s of complete strangers. The relatively short walk felt like a mile, the hall seeming to stretch the further he went. 

“Did you have to yell like that?” he muttered as he approached his friends, shooting an accusatory glare in Gai’s direction.

He didn’t seem all that phased by it. “It is a very special day! The whole school should be celebrating. You’re _fourteen!_ ”

Kakashi rolled his eyes. Who cared about a fourteenth birthday? He wouldn’t argue, though, knowing Gai would’ve found a way to make a milestone event out of anything - not that that meant the gesture had pissed him off any less.

Without giving him time to prepare, Gai reached over and embraced Kakashi, grasping his shoulders with his thick, tanned fingers. “A very happy birthday to my dearest friend,” he said. It always made Kakashi feel uneasy inside, the way he looked directly into his eyes when they spoke.

If that wasn’t enough, Gai apparently decided that it was a great idea - not uncomfortable at all - to grab Kakashi by the face and kiss his cheek. Kakashi instinctively leaned away, his expression growing more disgruntled. Gai only grinned harder.

Obito let out a nervous laugh. “Uh, happy birthday, dude,” he said, holding out the gift bag.

Eager for an excuse to avoid any further public displays of affection from Gai, Kakashi stepped closer to Obito and took the bag from him. He gave him a nod in thanks, and then turned to Rin.

“You know… you guys can keep the cookies,” Kakashi said, looking down at them with something akin to distaste. 

Rin frowned. “I made them for you… I mean, the mix came in a box and all, but could you at least take them home?” 

Kakashi wished she wouldn’t look at him so pleadingly. He didn’t have the energy just then to resist. 

“... Yeah, okay. Thanks for these too.”

The three of them were being jostled around by passersby in the halls, and Kakashi had really begun to wish that his friends would let him move. He was already struggling to balance the cookies and the present when Gai piled the tiny bouquet of balloons on top of it. He sighed, exasperated. Rin looked even more apologetic.

“If it’s okay with you, we’d all really like to hang out this weekend. It’s been a while,” she said. She had given him an option, but her tone still sounded pushy to him.

“I… maybe,” he said, hoisting the toppling pile of favors up in his arms. 

He felt all too overwhelmed; it was getting to be too much - the three of them surrounding him, the voices of the other kids in the muggy hallway, Gai’s hands grasping his shoulders from behind, and the stack in his arms - and he wanted more than anything to take his leave.

“I’ll text you guys, maybe, I’ve gotta - you all should get to class.”

Looking down and without so much as a goodbye, he left and made his way to the office. He could practically feel the three pairs of eyes on his back. The glare he imagined was oppressive, disdainful, as if the three of them could sense he didn’t plan on sending a single text.

 

Despite his own failure to follow through, Kakashi still found himself being dragged along to an ice skating rink that Saturday. He had figured out how the planning must have gone; his friends had obviously teamed up on his birthday celebration. The cookies had been Rin’s, the trip to the ice skating rink Gai’s idea, and the present - which had been an odd, obviously rushed little scrapbook full of old pictures of Rin, Kakashi, and himself - was distinctly Obito’s. He wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed or flattered by the amount of effort that had gone into this.

The four of them had been dropped off by Gai’s mother and were in the process of trying on skates. Kakashi found every pair he tried to be tight to the point of cutting off his circulation, but Gai assured him that it was supposed to be that way.

“Can’t we just go get lunch or something?” Kakashi complained as they wobbled across the floor in the direction of the actual rink.

“Come on, Kakashi, it’ll be fun!” Rin assured him. “Besides, don’t you think ice skating is super romantic?”

A blush had adorned her cheeks, and Kakashi didn’t think it was merely from the chill of the room. He grimaced at her.

“Totally romantic,” Obito agreed, his cheeks just as red.

“I wasn’t asking you…”

Gai was oblivious to the conversation, much too busy announcing to random passerby that it had been Kakashi’s birthday earlier in the week. One man was specifically annoyed with him; apparently, he had already passed them twice and had already heard - twice.

Kakashi froze as they reached the rink. He had never been ice skating before, and, though he tended to pick up on things fast, he didn’t want to embarrass himself. Stumbling, Obito and Rin eased themselves out onto the ice. Rin, now clinging to the wall with Obito stuck onto her right arm, seemed to want to take back her earlier comment about ice skating being romantic.

Gai caught up quickly and poked his head over Kakashi’s shoulder. “Are you nervous? There’s no need to be! It’s much easier than it looks, and I’m here to help you.”

With much more grace than his other two friends, Gai stepped out on the ice, immediately doing a twirl for show. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

Gai didn’t seem at all deterred by Kakashi’s obvious disdain, approaching him with a smile and an outstretched hand. His eyes twinkled with excitement. 

“Come on.”

Kakashi felt an odd sort of twist in his stomach at the look on his closest friend’s face - a much more toned-down version of his usual grin, softened by undertones of tenderness and something that might have been trepidation.

Kakashi took his hand.

Gai led him gently out onto the ice. He wasn't sure when both of his hands had become clasped in Gai’s, but for once, he didn't quite mind the contact. He wasn't entirely unfamiliar with this softer, quieter side of Gai’s, but its emergences were few and far between. Kakashi enjoyed them when they came.

He ignored the sound of Rin’s complaining paired with Obito’s shrieking and allowed Gai to spin him around once, keeping hold of one of his hands. He scoffed and shook his head, but Gai only smiled more. It was kind of infuriating.

“See? I knew you'd pick up on it quick,” Gai commented.

Kakashi wanted to point out that he was still very much holding on to Gai’s hands, but didn't want to turn away the compliment. He shrugged in response.

After a few minutes, he felt as though he no longer needed Gai’s physical support, but something kept him from letting go. There was something serene, familiar about the ice rink, despite the fact that Kakashi had never been. He allowed his scarf to slip off his face and breathed in the cool air, focusing on the repetitive motions of his skates on the ice and creating a rhythm in his mind with the scraping sounds they made. Gai’s hand was a focused point of warmth at the end of his arm. 

At some point, they stopped skating, and Gai turned to face Kakashi, the blush on his tanned cheeks brighter than even the chill of the rink should have allowed. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. It wasn't like Gai to stop in any physical activity.

“Happy birthday,” Gai mumbled, in a nervous tone unbefitting of him.

Kakashi opened his mouth, prepared to retort that he had heard that specific well-wish from Gai plenty in the past few days, but he was rendered suddenly incapable; Gai’s inexperienced, cool lips were on his own, their chilled breath suddenly mixing as Gai leaned in to kiss him.

Kakashi didn't have much time to consider whether the movement had been entirely intentional before he, in a manner unbefitting of _himself_ , abandoned all thought and panic and leaned in to return it.

It was nice.

Gai was nice, and for one moment, he allowed things to just be right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to those of you who stayed put for the long hiatus!!! love you lots, and i hope to update within the next two months. i should have a relatively peaceful summer, which means time for fic!


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